whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
