the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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