Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
