Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Even my vagina gasped.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
