I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
