She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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