You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
