Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
