John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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