Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
