man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wish i was in the wii world.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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