My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
