I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
