dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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