you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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