alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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