If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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