In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
