He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!