dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
