words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
