You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
