I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
