So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
