i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
