Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
