I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
