they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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