I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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