did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
