Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
