didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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