Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
