You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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