i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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