Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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