i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
