Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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