so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
