DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
