My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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