Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
