if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
