Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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