u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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