Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
