apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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