uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
