is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
