Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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