God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
