Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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