i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
