sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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