Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
