Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
this boner is exhausting
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
