ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
